Everything I Know I’ve Learned On the Internet
On Dating Rules & “Girl” Identity Formation Online
Much of what I’ve learned about being a “modern” young woman, I’ve learned on the internet. I learned how to dress and apply liquid eyeliner. I learned how to develop a productive morning routine and speak in an abbreviated fashion. I learned when and when not to follow someone’s social media profile and how that decision might affect our offline relationship or not. And, like many are now learning about on TikTok, I’ve learned about romance - in relation to others and to oneself.
TikTok, as a platform, is unique in its ability to teach people things. YouTube has long been the destination for long-form tutorials on various undertakings, like unclogging your shower drain or curling your hair. People often learn things on YouTube because they are seeking them out - they have a problem, search for the solution themselves, and then the case is more or less closed. TikTok, on the other hand, with an algorithmic feed as its centerpiece teaches without anyone needing to search. There is no trail of curiosity to be traced and followed, just a quick hit of information - a better way to clean your sink or cook chicken breast - and then on to the next. As such, it’s possible for people to learn a breadth of information - tidbits from topics far and wide - many of which make for good conversation starters over coffee with friends or at dinner parties with acquaintances. It’s impossible to count the number of times I’ve asked someone where they’ve learned a fun fact or life hack and been told, with a stifled chuckle or sigh of embarrassment: “I saw it on TikTok.”
Much of what people learn about on TikTok relates to self-improvement, especially women, who are often pressured to physically and socially optimize to a heightened degree. On the app, you’ll often find women in the comments section of workout and skincare routines and videos detailing the benefits of meditation and manifestation for the mind and spirit. Girls and women learning how to make their bodies and minds spotless for their own benefit, and thus for the benefit of those around them. One of the latest editions of this self-optimization content is dating advice.
Armed with TikTok’s Green Screen function and an open page in the Notes app as a backdrop, popular users like Victoria Paris and Sam Kelly have inspired throngs of young women to share their stances on various common points of contention in heterosexual relationships. The topics include sharing locations and passwords, posting on social media, friendships with other girls, and much more, and the answers vary. Some people are comfortable splitting finances 50/50, while others insist on the man in the relationship contributing more. Some see no problem with their partner having a girl best friend, and others see it as a glaring red flag.
The format feels like less of an open forum and more like the latest contribution to the collective micro-identity formation of young women online. Like gathering stray scraps of fabric for a quilt, we’re subliminally asked each month or so to reveal something about ourselves by aligning with a certain aesthetic or throwing our ring into whatever question circus is passing through town. A few months ago, TikTok users dubbed themselves an “okokok girl” or “lalala girl,” even earlier than that they conducted seasonal color analyses to figure out which season their appearance best aligned with. Now, the question on the table for copious users is “What are your dating rules?” and thus, what do your rules reveal about you as a relational partner and a person in general?
While I have been quick to criticize hyper-categorization online, I can’t deny that there is something so playful - girlish even - about sharing these little nuggets about yourself. We’re all going around in a circle at a sleepover and sharing our personal constitutions for topics like dating, often as they’re being written in real-time. The proliferation of the labels “girl” and “girlie” in the past year or so online has similarly had a way of unifying digital “girl” identity. In a world that too often fosters comparison and competition between young women, feeling as though we’re all in on some inside joke (in on “girl dinner,” “girl math,” “hot girl walks,” etc.) has had a funny way of bringing us all together. Simultaneously, as Rebecca Jennings writes about in this fantastic piece for Vox, the proliferation of micro-girl identities is also exceptional at cementing a target demographic that’s as consumable as it is ripe for consumption itself. Homogenizing an identity group bars variation and makes said identity group that much easier to surveil and market to. Of young women on TikTok and such “girl” trends, Jennings writes:
“They know that people will always care about what girls do, because girls are not yet women and therefore less easy to despise. Girls are more available for consumption, and girls have more available to them.”
Forging both a niche micro-identity for oneself online as well as contributing to the larger formation of digital “girl” identity makes the, at times, isolating experience of being a girl and being online feel a bit more comfortable. I also think that people have an itching desire to hear the thoughts and experiences of others in the hope that their own thoughts and experiences are close to “normal.” In the example of dating rules on TikTok, young women listen to what other women find tolerable in a relationship and can’t help but reflect on how their own standards compare. They then share their own criteria, likely interested in having their own statutes co-signed by the larger girl collective, ensuring they abide by “girl code.” Especially with a matter as foreign and labyrinthine as dating can be to young girls, hearing advice from others is understandably compelling.
The complicated part of the equation is that dating and identity formation are not static processes, no matter how straightforward people online make them out to be. TikTok, with its bite-size format and sensation-favoring algorithm, will often make it seem like getting a boyfriend or confidence is as easy as plugging numbers into variables and solving for X. You just have to wait this amount of time before responding to his text, repeat these manifestations to yourself before bed, and put on your best hot girl outfit and all will be yours. Advice from others can be helpful when you take what is helpful and leave behind what’s not. But even what’s helpful should be taken with a grain or two of salt.
I’m as keen to follow the herd as the next person and I’m (mostly) grateful for what I’ve learned on the internet. But if matters were as formulaic as TikTok makes them out to be, we would unfortunately learn a whole lot less. The algorithm benefits best when it assumes that blanket messages are delivered in a definitive fashion to an audience of identical individuals, each of whom is able to seamlessly apply what they learn to their own life, reap benefits, and return to the platform hungry for more. But girls online are neither robots nor a homogenized hive mind, and they shouldn’t be.
Romance and growing into yourself as a young woman are more like dances than recipes. They’re non-linear processes that are quite individual to each person and situation and require frequent re-evaluation, moving in tune with how the situation is actively unfolding. They’re messy and confusing experiences because they involve searching for a sense of belonging and self-actualization - both of which are deeply emotional human ordeals.
I understand wanting to approach life feeling confident and well-equipped for the challenges that are bound to come. But the preparedness mostly comes with living the life itself, not anticipating its moves like a coach scribbling out plays on a whiteboard. You can follow all the rules of texting and dressing, flirting and boundary-setting, and still come out the other side feeling scathed. You can adopt the trends, think deeply about the sense of self you’re cultivating, and still feel unsatisfied with what you’ve crafted. We return to the drawing board again and again. But it’s that very condition - that unpredictability and instability - that makes us human. It’s a condition that makes us as fallible as it makes us capable of growing. There’s just no playbook for that.
For more on self-optimization content online, check out my article The Pitfalls of Being “That Girl.”
We have an education system that does not want us to think for ourselves. That certainly was true for my generation and I suspect it’s different now, but not necessarily better. Keep spreading the word. 🙌🏻🙌🏻