i’ve always loved being tall 5’11, i think because it makes me feel undeniably powerful albeit it does narrow my dating pool down- i’ve been wearing extremely high heels out lately and i feel like myself most in them!!!!
When I was younger, i instinctively thought of taller women or femme presenting people as ‘tougher’ or ‘stronger’, and i wonder how much of that was me conflating height with gender and assuming that the taller a person gets, the more like a man they are. These are dumb gender assumptions that i don’t have anymore, but i find that those thoughts occasionally pop-up in dating. I’m quite tall (6’5), and something feels very traditionally gendered when i date someone who is much, much shorter. But whenever the person i’m dating is taller than average, or even approaching my height, it’s much more comfortable for me — it’s physically more comfortable, but it also subconsciously feels like we are closer or more similar. It’s weird!! I’m glad you wrote this, because i haven’t interrogated all of this in a long time.
“At my height, I was already drawing enough attention. I kept quiet.” I have always felt proud of my height, but this part, having to hide the brightest parts of yourself because your height already sets eyes on you, made me think about all those years were I didn’t wear a bright sweater or a big jacket… Thank you for writing this!
thank you for the thoughtful read! i'm also 5'8 and spent most of elementary/middle school being acutely aware that i was "taking up to much space" and its an issue that still haunts me. my boyfriend even recently joked (mindlessly, with no ill intent) that if i were any taller our relationship wouldn't work- he's only two inches taller than me. it hurts to think that something so superficial can affect me and possibly even others in that way.
I'm the average height for a woman in the UK (5'4) for reference, so I'm not short and yet the world is too big. The chairs in lecture theatres are a little too high for me to sit comfortably, the desk too far up and don't even get me started on when I worked as a chef. I had to ask for things to be taken down from the high up shelves and I couldn't even reach the top oven!! When I had to ask for help with these things I was always mocked, the men that I worked with (I was one of 2 women on the team of 15) thinking I was vying for attention or something. The whole thing is quite frustrating and just goes to show that the world is made for some mythical average height, weight, etc. that doesn't and cannot exist.
My brother and I were tall enough growing up that we got tested for Marfan syndrome, gulp :'x
But eventually I got over wanting to be shorter and now fully embrace my tall girl status. (5'11", baby! Kidman height!) It's nice, while dating a guy, to be able to casually lean in for a kiss without having to make a whole production out of it. And I certainly appreciate the privilege of being the same size as the models for most designers :'D
fellow tall girl here :’) I found myself relating to each sentence so much it almost felt painful (in a good way). I’m 5’8” too, but I come from a Filipino background where the average height for men scarcely rises above 5’5” (my dad was the exception standing at 6’1”) so at family gatherings and events, my height is almost always brought up in conversation without fail. I’ve always loved being tall and have generally seen it as a positive thing to be, but I do agree that there is a particular plight that the tall girl endures + you wrote about it with such grace! thank you for writing this <3
Being tall when it comes to lesbian dating is interesting, because it can be considered a very desirable trait in a masc/butch/stud presenting person. I’ve seen posts online where girls pine for a 5’10 masc partner who will make them feel little and dainty. I remember when I was dating my college girlfriend she was nearly six feet and other girls would tell me how they were jealous of me for having a tall partner! I think it has to do with associating tallness with masculinity, but also to me it kind of feels like it’s out of a wish to replicate heterosexual dynamics - the masculine one as the physically more imposing provider and protector, the feminine one as petite and providing.
Of course they are some people who are very into that and I’m not judging them - I love a tall woman! But I also think shorter masc presenting people deserve their love and masculinity too
Very thoughtful post. I appreciated it as a short woman (5'1) who also has felt mixed feelings about my height. I could recognize many people considered it good to be a small woman and have received positive attention from that. But, I've also had my fair share of negative height-related experiences.
Twice, men have physically picked me up at a club. One of them suddenly grabbed me bridal style and brought me to his friends (???) It was so odd. One of my few friends who is smaller than me has also had this experience.
Another weird height thing that comes to mind - I tried donating my eggs once. They rejected me which was probably due to family medical history but it's a known thing that being tall (to a certain point) is considered more valuable in a donor. This is especially true for men because most sperm banks have strict height cut offs but it's a factor for egg donors too because people buying sperm/eggs want taller children.
This was so interesting! As a 5'5'' woman, I don't usually think about height that much because I'm used to being pretty average, but I've realized from conversations with other people that consistently being taller/shorter than the people around you can have a huge impact on how you see yourself and relate to others. So fascinating to read about all the different ways height can impact someone that I wouldn't have even thought of.
This was a good read! On a different though related topic, you might really enjoy the short film Gap-Toothed Women by Les Blank. It's about teeth instead of height but has great things to say about societal pressures and comparing yourself to others.
i can’t say i’ve ever been happy being short esp bc i work in fashion and it’s been kinda wack to have 5’10 100lb girls as my daily standard but that’s more about thinness than it is height. ill admit i dont feel as beautiful when im not wearing my big ass platforms that add 4in and that’s really sad to admit and i might’ve done some real damage to my feet by wearing those more than actual normal shoes… but after tall girl came out i saw actual scholarships for tall girls so get ur bag ig
In the inverse, I’ve done damage by wearing super flat shoes with my high arches. A doctor once told me to start wedges, but nope, I needed to be short(er). And now I’m paying the price.
i can count on one hand the number of people I have gone on dates with who are taller than me and I'm only 5'9" (which is apparently the average Australian male height). I'm already weird, autistic, disabled and angry and I honestly think that if I had "height limits" for the men I date, I would be even more chronically single than I already am. sometime in my mid or late 20s I stopped considering it as a trait of attractiveness because unless the height difference is so extreme that it gets in the way of doing things, what difference does it really make to those in the relationship? wishing for a conventional, heteronormative height difference is essentially just wanting your relationship to be perceived as acceptable to outside viewers. interestingly I have never dated another tall woman. perhaps as erin said there is an element of tallness being perceived as masculine in same sex relationships, although I am pretty femme so I don't know if it's just coincidence. all I know is that men are the only ones who comment on my height on dates. anyway in the end the only ones benefiting from you making yourself small is the patriarchy, so wear the tallest heels you want to wear, stand up straight so you don't end up with back pain, and use your height to look down on anyone who makes comments on it.
This whole thing made me think about the commentary on Taylor Swift finally being able to be a “smol gorl” with Travis 🫠 since he’s quite tall. Idk about the other tall queens here but I don’t think anyone could really make me feel small like that (my boyfriend and I have the same respective heights), and I am actually pretty happy with that.
Feeling small when you’re not used to it seems very difficult and as you said I do understand the disadvantages for shorter girls now more with age.
i’ve always loved being tall 5’11, i think because it makes me feel undeniably powerful albeit it does narrow my dating pool down- i’ve been wearing extremely high heels out lately and i feel like myself most in them!!!!
This is definitely where I have landed on my height as well - I wouldn’t trade it for the world :D feels good to feel powerful
When I was younger, i instinctively thought of taller women or femme presenting people as ‘tougher’ or ‘stronger’, and i wonder how much of that was me conflating height with gender and assuming that the taller a person gets, the more like a man they are. These are dumb gender assumptions that i don’t have anymore, but i find that those thoughts occasionally pop-up in dating. I’m quite tall (6’5), and something feels very traditionally gendered when i date someone who is much, much shorter. But whenever the person i’m dating is taller than average, or even approaching my height, it’s much more comfortable for me — it’s physically more comfortable, but it also subconsciously feels like we are closer or more similar. It’s weird!! I’m glad you wrote this, because i haven’t interrogated all of this in a long time.
“At my height, I was already drawing enough attention. I kept quiet.” I have always felt proud of my height, but this part, having to hide the brightest parts of yourself because your height already sets eyes on you, made me think about all those years were I didn’t wear a bright sweater or a big jacket… Thank you for writing this!
thank you for the thoughtful read! i'm also 5'8 and spent most of elementary/middle school being acutely aware that i was "taking up to much space" and its an issue that still haunts me. my boyfriend even recently joked (mindlessly, with no ill intent) that if i were any taller our relationship wouldn't work- he's only two inches taller than me. it hurts to think that something so superficial can affect me and possibly even others in that way.
I'm the average height for a woman in the UK (5'4) for reference, so I'm not short and yet the world is too big. The chairs in lecture theatres are a little too high for me to sit comfortably, the desk too far up and don't even get me started on when I worked as a chef. I had to ask for things to be taken down from the high up shelves and I couldn't even reach the top oven!! When I had to ask for help with these things I was always mocked, the men that I worked with (I was one of 2 women on the team of 15) thinking I was vying for attention or something. The whole thing is quite frustrating and just goes to show that the world is made for some mythical average height, weight, etc. that doesn't and cannot exist.
My brother and I were tall enough growing up that we got tested for Marfan syndrome, gulp :'x
But eventually I got over wanting to be shorter and now fully embrace my tall girl status. (5'11", baby! Kidman height!) It's nice, while dating a guy, to be able to casually lean in for a kiss without having to make a whole production out of it. And I certainly appreciate the privilege of being the same size as the models for most designers :'D
fellow tall girl here :’) I found myself relating to each sentence so much it almost felt painful (in a good way). I’m 5’8” too, but I come from a Filipino background where the average height for men scarcely rises above 5’5” (my dad was the exception standing at 6’1”) so at family gatherings and events, my height is almost always brought up in conversation without fail. I’ve always loved being tall and have generally seen it as a positive thing to be, but I do agree that there is a particular plight that the tall girl endures + you wrote about it with such grace! thank you for writing this <3
Being tall when it comes to lesbian dating is interesting, because it can be considered a very desirable trait in a masc/butch/stud presenting person. I’ve seen posts online where girls pine for a 5’10 masc partner who will make them feel little and dainty. I remember when I was dating my college girlfriend she was nearly six feet and other girls would tell me how they were jealous of me for having a tall partner! I think it has to do with associating tallness with masculinity, but also to me it kind of feels like it’s out of a wish to replicate heterosexual dynamics - the masculine one as the physically more imposing provider and protector, the feminine one as petite and providing.
Of course they are some people who are very into that and I’m not judging them - I love a tall woman! But I also think shorter masc presenting people deserve their love and masculinity too
Very thoughtful post. I appreciated it as a short woman (5'1) who also has felt mixed feelings about my height. I could recognize many people considered it good to be a small woman and have received positive attention from that. But, I've also had my fair share of negative height-related experiences.
Twice, men have physically picked me up at a club. One of them suddenly grabbed me bridal style and brought me to his friends (???) It was so odd. One of my few friends who is smaller than me has also had this experience.
Another weird height thing that comes to mind - I tried donating my eggs once. They rejected me which was probably due to family medical history but it's a known thing that being tall (to a certain point) is considered more valuable in a donor. This is especially true for men because most sperm banks have strict height cut offs but it's a factor for egg donors too because people buying sperm/eggs want taller children.
This was so interesting! As a 5'5'' woman, I don't usually think about height that much because I'm used to being pretty average, but I've realized from conversations with other people that consistently being taller/shorter than the people around you can have a huge impact on how you see yourself and relate to others. So fascinating to read about all the different ways height can impact someone that I wouldn't have even thought of.
This was a good read! On a different though related topic, you might really enjoy the short film Gap-Toothed Women by Les Blank. It's about teeth instead of height but has great things to say about societal pressures and comparing yourself to others.
i can’t say i’ve ever been happy being short esp bc i work in fashion and it’s been kinda wack to have 5’10 100lb girls as my daily standard but that’s more about thinness than it is height. ill admit i dont feel as beautiful when im not wearing my big ass platforms that add 4in and that’s really sad to admit and i might’ve done some real damage to my feet by wearing those more than actual normal shoes… but after tall girl came out i saw actual scholarships for tall girls so get ur bag ig
Tall girl scholarships are actually insane….that movie did some serious psychological damage on our culture
In the inverse, I’ve done damage by wearing super flat shoes with my high arches. A doctor once told me to start wedges, but nope, I needed to be short(er). And now I’m paying the price.
i can count on one hand the number of people I have gone on dates with who are taller than me and I'm only 5'9" (which is apparently the average Australian male height). I'm already weird, autistic, disabled and angry and I honestly think that if I had "height limits" for the men I date, I would be even more chronically single than I already am. sometime in my mid or late 20s I stopped considering it as a trait of attractiveness because unless the height difference is so extreme that it gets in the way of doing things, what difference does it really make to those in the relationship? wishing for a conventional, heteronormative height difference is essentially just wanting your relationship to be perceived as acceptable to outside viewers. interestingly I have never dated another tall woman. perhaps as erin said there is an element of tallness being perceived as masculine in same sex relationships, although I am pretty femme so I don't know if it's just coincidence. all I know is that men are the only ones who comment on my height on dates. anyway in the end the only ones benefiting from you making yourself small is the patriarchy, so wear the tallest heels you want to wear, stand up straight so you don't end up with back pain, and use your height to look down on anyone who makes comments on it.
‘The value system that picked away at my innocence, as it does to all girls - turning your friends into silent adversaries far too soon.’
this one hit home. 🤍
5’9. Comes in handy dealing with lots of male CEOs.
This whole thing made me think about the commentary on Taylor Swift finally being able to be a “smol gorl” with Travis 🫠 since he’s quite tall. Idk about the other tall queens here but I don’t think anyone could really make me feel small like that (my boyfriend and I have the same respective heights), and I am actually pretty happy with that.
Feeling small when you’re not used to it seems very difficult and as you said I do understand the disadvantages for shorter girls now more with age.