I realized recently that I took fewer photos of myself in 2022 & 2023 because I felt subconsciously insecure ab/t weight gain. And so as a result, I didn’t have many photos w/ loved ones from that time. Like you, I’m resuming the archive. I just hide photos on my phone that I don’t want to see now, because they’re for my future self. Loved reading about how you’re negotiating your self-concept/desire to control your image
oh WOW, do I resonate with this. I was on FaceTime with my long-distance best friend yesterday, and she wanted to walk me through her camera roll since we'd last talked. she said she knew better than to ask me to share mine, as I never have enough storage on my outdated phone for photos, but while that is a factor in my bland camera roll, in truth, I haven't taken real pictures of myself in years. my instagram profile picture is from 2019, and I've never found another picture suitable enough to change it. I, too, decline when it's my "turn" to be photographed and wonder about the gaps in my life's archive where I've hidden from the camera. it's become more comfortable not to pose for a photo than to risk misrepresentation. I don't know the solution, but I will strive for that middle ground and resume the archive. we exist and might as well have proof that we do <3
this is so so real, and so beautifully written. A pageant queen without her sash is such a good line. I stopped posting on instagram bc i’m “less vain” than i used to be, but i sometimes wonder if im just more insecure and giving myself a better narrative to work with. Anyways, absolutely loved this!
I didn't grapple with this until I went on a big vacation last year to a dream destination and realized I didn't want my mom to take pics of me because I was insecure about how I looked on camera BUT I knew that if I didn't I would be so disappointed after the trip was over and I had nothing to look back at. So I've created a happy medium with myself that I will take pics at big events/moments and day to day be content with not knowing how I look unless I pass a mirror. What I look like at work is not my concern after I leave the house in the morning. People who know me know what I look like irl and if it isn't captured perfectly in a picture (and I think it's unflattering), I hope those who love me have the grace to think kindly and remember what I look like in real life (in fact I know they do because my mom has the ugliest pic of me as her lock screen but she adores it because I'm her kid).
thank you for so clearly explaining what this back-and-forth with the Photos app is like. I remember experiencing a similar situation to the makeup story you mentioned at the beginning, but I couldn’t articulate why it bothered me so much. I’d also say I’ve inadvertently found myself in the cycle you speak about, where I’ve become very selective with which photos make the cut and which don’t, especially when there’s seemingly sm pressure to do so. Your post was a well-needed reminder of what photos should achieve instead :)
and the other bridesmaids had told me how nice i looked with my unnaturally arched brows, lined lips, face tinted five shades darker and resculpted with some 2016-style contour... but i felt uncanny and uncomfortable, especially if my face was going to be captured all day and immortalised like this. i also ended up tiptoeing away and reapplying it, pleading an allergic reaction to the foundation.
you do need to have a feeling of control over that, a sense of looking like yourself in order to truly feel like yourself, especially when you're in front of camera lenses all day (and when you're uncomfortable in front of a camera to begin with, like i am). and there's nothing wrong with that.
That picture of Marnie is exactly what I looked like omg. And yes, finding the balance between wanting a photo of yourself that you feel good about and not having exacting control over your image is the challenge. Learning that it's okay to want a good picture has been freeing!
Your future self will be in awe of how radiant, alive, and beautiful you are right now. Whether you share them or not, take the photos—one day you'll be so grateful to have a record of this version of you.
I just turned 29 and can confirm that I’m shocked at how few selfies I take the older I get. I loved capturing my face and now I mostly take pictures of leaves and flowers and food. My summer project is to print out photos at a local photo shop and fill a physical album with my partner. I think it’s an appropriate middle ground between accepting what I look like right now (despite weight gain since my earlier twenties) and documenting the life I lived and how precious and beautiful it’s been offline.
I realized recently that I took fewer photos of myself in 2022 & 2023 because I felt subconsciously insecure ab/t weight gain. And so as a result, I didn’t have many photos w/ loved ones from that time. Like you, I’m resuming the archive. I just hide photos on my phone that I don’t want to see now, because they’re for my future self. Loved reading about how you’re negotiating your self-concept/desire to control your image
I love the idea of taking photos not for your current self but for your future self :)
oh WOW, do I resonate with this. I was on FaceTime with my long-distance best friend yesterday, and she wanted to walk me through her camera roll since we'd last talked. she said she knew better than to ask me to share mine, as I never have enough storage on my outdated phone for photos, but while that is a factor in my bland camera roll, in truth, I haven't taken real pictures of myself in years. my instagram profile picture is from 2019, and I've never found another picture suitable enough to change it. I, too, decline when it's my "turn" to be photographed and wonder about the gaps in my life's archive where I've hidden from the camera. it's become more comfortable not to pose for a photo than to risk misrepresentation. I don't know the solution, but I will strive for that middle ground and resume the archive. we exist and might as well have proof that we do <3
This comment really sums up what I was trying to convey with this piece <3 Means a lot that it came across
this is so so real, and so beautifully written. A pageant queen without her sash is such a good line. I stopped posting on instagram bc i’m “less vain” than i used to be, but i sometimes wonder if im just more insecure and giving myself a better narrative to work with. Anyways, absolutely loved this!
Thank you!! And thank you for writing the essay that inspired so much of this :D
I didn't grapple with this until I went on a big vacation last year to a dream destination and realized I didn't want my mom to take pics of me because I was insecure about how I looked on camera BUT I knew that if I didn't I would be so disappointed after the trip was over and I had nothing to look back at. So I've created a happy medium with myself that I will take pics at big events/moments and day to day be content with not knowing how I look unless I pass a mirror. What I look like at work is not my concern after I leave the house in the morning. People who know me know what I look like irl and if it isn't captured perfectly in a picture (and I think it's unflattering), I hope those who love me have the grace to think kindly and remember what I look like in real life (in fact I know they do because my mom has the ugliest pic of me as her lock screen but she adores it because I'm her kid).
This is the most relatable thing I’ve read on substack omg.
thank you for so clearly explaining what this back-and-forth with the Photos app is like. I remember experiencing a similar situation to the makeup story you mentioned at the beginning, but I couldn’t articulate why it bothered me so much. I’d also say I’ve inadvertently found myself in the cycle you speak about, where I’ve become very selective with which photos make the cut and which don’t, especially when there’s seemingly sm pressure to do so. Your post was a well-needed reminder of what photos should achieve instead :)
very much identify with the wedding beautician problem - at my sister's wedding, the makeup artist promised a 'natural look' and when i looked in the mirror afterwards.... well, it was Marnie's wedding makeup from 'Girls': https://www.reddit.com/r/girls/comments/1gaqusw/will_wedding_day_marnie_keep_the_lost_redditors/
and the other bridesmaids had told me how nice i looked with my unnaturally arched brows, lined lips, face tinted five shades darker and resculpted with some 2016-style contour... but i felt uncanny and uncomfortable, especially if my face was going to be captured all day and immortalised like this. i also ended up tiptoeing away and reapplying it, pleading an allergic reaction to the foundation.
you do need to have a feeling of control over that, a sense of looking like yourself in order to truly feel like yourself, especially when you're in front of camera lenses all day (and when you're uncomfortable in front of a camera to begin with, like i am). and there's nothing wrong with that.
That picture of Marnie is exactly what I looked like omg. And yes, finding the balance between wanting a photo of yourself that you feel good about and not having exacting control over your image is the challenge. Learning that it's okay to want a good picture has been freeing!
Your future self will be in awe of how radiant, alive, and beautiful you are right now. Whether you share them or not, take the photos—one day you'll be so grateful to have a record of this version of you.
I just turned 29 and can confirm that I’m shocked at how few selfies I take the older I get. I loved capturing my face and now I mostly take pictures of leaves and flowers and food. My summer project is to print out photos at a local photo shop and fill a physical album with my partner. I think it’s an appropriate middle ground between accepting what I look like right now (despite weight gain since my earlier twenties) and documenting the life I lived and how precious and beautiful it’s been offline.
beautiful writing ahh love this- wld u wanna be mutuals i wanna connect w other writers!!💓💓